Monday, June 1, 2015

Very Funny Joke .. Must Read.

Little Johnny And The Priest

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny.

"He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

The Guessing Game - Little Johnny Joke

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red."

Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored.

"It's a plum miss," said a girl.

"No it's an apple, but i like your thinking.

The next one is oval shaped and green."

The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."

No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."

"Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher.

"No it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.

Sense Of Smell - Hilarious Joke

A professor and a young girl find themselves travelling in the same railway carriage as they race through England’s green and pleasant land.
The girl notices a few animals in the fields are mating and asks the professor how they become attracted.
“That’s very simple, my dear,” replies the professor, “the female gives off a odour which tells the male that she is interested.”
The professor goes back to reading his book and they soon arrive at their destination.
“I hope we meet again one day,” he says as they part company.
“Only if you get your sense of smell back,” she retorts.

Spiders Mating - Funny Joke

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? " she asked.
"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy long legs? " the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Its also a daddy long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then yelled. "Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."

Happy Marriage - Naughty Joke

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.
"Really? " said the doctor. "You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?
"The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it. "
Six months later, the doctor meets the old man on the street and asks him how his new marriage is working out.
"Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant."
The doctor nods approvingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?
"The old man winked and said, "Yep, and she's pregnant too! "

Eating Light Bulbs - Joke

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.
The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."
The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."
Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."
The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.
Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light, I want to eat that thing.'"

No Bugging Johnny Joke

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

Childless - Funny Joke

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?
A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

In Business - Funny Joke

Jack was in Paris attending a conference on cabinet making. After the session was finished he decided to have a coffee in a quite pavement café.
He hadn’t been there long when a beautiful girl walked by, smiled at him and sat down opposite.
Unfortunately she could not speak any English at all, so he took a pen and paper from his briefcase and drew a cup of coffee followed by a question mark.
She nodded and he ordered another cup. Later he drew a taxi and again she nodded so they were soon sitting in a cab touring the Left Bank and the sights of Paris.
Towards evening he drew a table with wine and food and it wasn’t long before they were enjoying a beautiful meal in one of the finest Parisian restaurants.
As the meal came to an end, the girl took the pen from Jack and drew a fourposter bed.
“Why, that’s amazing,” he said. “How on earth did you know I was in the furniture business."

The Curious Parrot - Funny Joke

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment.
Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.
“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “from now on, you’ll be covered up early in the evening so you can’t see what’s going on. Otherwise, it’s the zoo for you.”
A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week’s holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing.
I’ve got an idea,” said the man. “I’ll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what’s happening.”
But the case wouldn’t close.
“This is no good,” remarked the wife.
“Here, let me have a go, I’ll get on top and we’ll see if it’s any better.”
Still they couldn’t get the case to close, so the man said, “Let’s both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that’ll work.”
Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked, “I’ll take my chances at the zoo, but this I’ve just got to see?”

Airy Day - Hilarious Joke

A refined gentleman was walking through the park when a sudden strong gust of wind blew up the skirt of a passing woman.
“Oh I say, it’s airy, isn’t it?” he remarked.
The woman replied, “Well what did you expect, feathers?"

Why Men Like Fishing - Joke

Have you ever wondered why men like to go fishing?
It’s the only time they’ll hear someone say to them, “Goodness, that is a big one."

Who's Son - Funny Joke

Old Joe was in his deathbed.
Beside him was his family – his wife and four sons, three of whom had blond hair, the other ginger.
“Em, tell me please, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?”
Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that he indeed was his son.
“Oh thank goodness,” croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.
As the family left the room, the wife sighed, “Thank heavens he didn’t ask about the other three."

The Dancing Couple Joke

It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were dancing very close together.
After a while the girl whispered in his ear, “Why don’t we go outside to the car?”
“Oh I don’t know,” he said. “I like dancing.”
But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed. When they got outside it was pitch black so the man produced a torch from his pocket.
“Have you had that torch with you all night?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said.
“Oh well, in that case let’s go back to the dance

The Dancing Couple Joke

It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were dancing very close together.
After a while the girl whispered in his ear, “Why don’t we go outside to the car?”
“Oh I don’t know,” he said. “I like dancing.”
But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed. When they got outside it was pitch black so the man produced a torch from his pocket.
“Have you had that torch with you all night?” she asked.
“Yes,” he said.
“Oh well, in that case let’s go back to the dance

On Her Back - Funny Joke

Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor immediately,” shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the bank.
Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one girl who lay on her back.
“Hey,” whispered her friend, “this is a bank robbery, not the office party, so turn over.”

Metallic Birds - Joke

Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”
“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”
“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the the bird next door."

More Men On Job Joke

A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would like for Christmas.
“A baby brother please,” he replied.
“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to Christmas.”
“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son suggested.